be afraid. be very afraid

It should have been a routine operation, an excursion into the fridge as part of my usual preparation for dinner. I was reaching for a potato when I drew my hand back.
There it was, as plain as the quest for women's equality is long. The face of satan. Those perfectly symmetrical horns. That expression....well, it was a little blank.
It had to be a red potato too.
I couldn't look away. There was something in his gaze, even though it was well, sort of non-descript.
But still, taking no chances, I quickly closed the door and ordered takeout.

Girl Power (or not)

I was listening to CBC radio this morning in my car and in the course of a mere 2 hours, I heard three distressing items about the sorry state of affairs for the female gender. First off, the Federal Government has just announced the 19 successful candidates for the Canada Excellence Research Chairs program, a program designed to woo high-powered scientists from all over the world. All very well and good I thought until they mentioned that no women were selected for the jobs. Next up, I hear that of the 19 films (what is it with #19?) being considered at the Cannes film festival this year, not one of them was directed by a woman. And then as if to add insult to injury, it was reported only this week, that female dogs are earning just 86% on the male dog's kibble for tricks of equal value.
Well, OK, that last one is bogus, but seriously, the other two are true.
My only solace lies in knowing that Mattel Corporation recently unveiled Barbie's 126th career as voted on by her fans from all over the world. . Yes, Computer Engineer Barbie will be released in the winter of 2010.
Perhaps the tide is turning afterall.

Part Your Lips and Breathe in and Out

So as part of my research for a book which I hope to publish down the road (working title Dangerous Curves), I am reading every one of the 102 vintage books in my personal collection. These books are all about etiquette, charm, beauty, grooming, sewing, home economics etc. and - as you might expect - are aimed at women because apparently men come fully-formed into society and are in need of no improvement whereas women require constant correction. Wasn't there a hippy tea by that name in the 1970s?
I am sure by now you have noticed the pug above, and may be wondering if perhaps I have inserted the wrong image for this blog post. Please stand by.

These old books are just chock full of tips for women, and I mean every square inch of her, and it occurred to me tonight as I was extracting yet more of them from the toxic slag heap of instruction, that it could take years for me to disseminate this material, and in the meantime, women are going without the valuable information that I could be making available to them right now. Therefore I've decided that when I come across a particularly salient nugget of guidance, I will post it here on my blog where women in need will be able to find it.

And still you say to yourself, what could this pictured pug possibly have to do with this blog entry?

Well, it will all become clear as tonight, I bring you your inaugural tip # 546-a which comes to us from Debbie Drake's Easy Way to a Perfect Figure and Glowing Health, p.104, Prentice-Hall (1961) and reads as follows:

"To renew the youthful characteristics of deep breathing which keep the voice firm and resonant, practice this simple exercise: Pant like a dog. Part your lips and breathe in and out rapidly. Repeat often. "

It's always good to be reminded to repeat the breathing in and out. I intend to make it my personal practice right up until I die.

There is so much we can learn from dogs.

another single mother

As if to illustrate the deep and enduring meaning of Mother's Day, one of my girls, my wild turkey girls that is, has hatched in the past few days, a crop of tiny turkeys. I can only assume this one single mother must have gotten a little wilder than perhaps was advised, and now she is paying the price, forced to raise a large family on her own. Turkeys raising turkeys!
The sting of illegitimacy has driven her out of the pack and into my backyard where she can be seen here scratching out a living with a few of her brood.
Where was family planning? And will she be able to turn her life around despite having taken this reproductive detour?
My mind goes to these and other burning questions.

The rank and file

So I heard someone on the radio yesterday talking about book rankings on Amazon.com and I got curious about where my little tome - Storm CLouds Over Party Shoes, Etiquette Problems for the Ill-Bred Woman - was fairing in the pecking order.

2,550,202

That's exactly the sort of curiosity that killed the cat.

Turkey Has Let Herself Go

She showed up yesterday on the railing of my back deck, walking around without a care in the world, seemingly indifferent to the tragedy unfolding in and on her person. She is a figure accident waiting to happen, and the real heartbreak is that she may not even be aware of how perilously close she has veered to the cliff's edge. Apparently she has never heard the disparaging term 'turkey neck' and the concept of waddle has completely eluded her.

She has let herself go and she clearly doesn't give a damn.